About two weeks ago, I got a question from a mom who explained that her five year old often told lies. She had confronted him about not telling the truth, but nothing she did seemed to work. Parents often worry when their kids tell lies but when does telling a lie really become a problem?

First of all. Everybody tells lies. On psychological tests, the people who state they never lie, are usually regarded as the most untrustworthy. Luckily, telling a lie isn’t as bad as we make it out to be. We often tell lies just to be polite. For instance. The day before your best friends wedding, she shows up at your door with a terrible haircut that no barber is going to be able to fix. “Don’t you love it?” She yells out excited. You will probably lie which would be the kind thing to do.

We all lie once in a while and kids are no different. In fact, children with higher IQ scores tell lies more frequently and they can express their imagination by telling a lie. We need to be real about the fact that lying is a necessary part of social interaction. But we don’t want our children to turn lying into a habit.

As a general rule you don’t need to worry about lying kids before they are six or seven years of age. It is possible for children to not tell the truth when they are younger than six, but that’s because they have a hard time telling truth from fiction. So when your kid tells an imaginary story of how your neighbour tried to steal your lawnmower. It’s best not to make a big thing out of it. Children under six use imagination to process their thoughts. They make no clear distinction between fantasy and reality.

Children as young as two years old, lie when there is an immediate positive response. For instance, when you ask your two year old if he needs to go to the toilet and you don’t take them anyway when they say no. The reward could be that they can continue playing without having to go to the toilet. They aren’t consciously lying. They’re just repeating the behaviour that is being rewarded.

Children above seven tell lies to get friends out of trouble. Sticking up for your mates is an important part of social development. During puberty kids must learn to make better choices between lying and telling the truth.

In general lying is not a big issue. There are exceptions. Children should not have to keep big secrets about adult themes. If lying is related to stress, you want to have a talk about the stressful situation. Finally, lying can be a way to escape reality. It’s fine when this happens once in a while but it shouldn’t be a structural way to avoid situations a kid cannot handle. It’s usually better not to focus to much on the lying itself. Instead teach skills that will help your child handle the situation better and check if the situation isn’t simply to challenging.

Also, it’s better to focus on the value of honesty than to confront lying. If you do want to confront a child that told a lie, tell him how much you would like it if he were truthful and really appreciate them when they are being truthful! Humans lie to avoid negative consequences. Confronting lying kids in a negative way is a sure way to stimulate more lying.

Lying can be related to psychological problems. So when in doubt, it’s best to visit your house doctor.

Bookmark to